If I Ran the Zoo III

George Leef

I’ve been thinking a lot that if I ran the zoo

Teachers would spend more time teaching than they do

Research is OK if it’s done on their time

Or if someone else wants it, let him spend the dime.

I’d also say “phooey” to the inflation of grades

And profs who give As out like sweet marmalades

They’d better be tough; they’d better be true

Or else they’ll be feeling the sole of my shoe.

Next I’d say that when you teach a course

Stick to the fairway; stay out of the gorse

Here’s what I mean and I want to be clear

Your political views aren’t what students should hear.

How our students are chosen – I’ll change that up too

We’ll pay no attention to their color or hew

Forget about quotas or “critical masses”
We’re just going to admit sharp kids for our classes!

Lastly – and you might all say that I’m nuts

I plan to do something that really takes guts
The school may get what amounts to a spanking
But we’ll no longer fret about our US News ranking.

What a college we'll have; what a great place of yearning;

For scholars and students to learn what's worth learning
We’ll steer clear of nonsense and the diversity trap
And hear not a word on that sustainability crap. 

The professors will teach and the students will study

With mutual respect – not too buddy-buddy

We’ll go after knowledge like a bear after honey

And do it all without federal money.

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