If I Ran the Zoo IX

John Leo

If I ran the campus

I’d start out anew

I’d make a few changes

That’s just what I’d do

Here’s a simple suggestion

(Avoiding all fads)

I’d have some professors

Who teach undergrads

I hear you all snicker

I hear you all scoff

But I’ve got to believe

That many a prof

Would thrill to be meeting

A freshman or soph

TAs are beloved

They’re always the rage

Because they all work

For a minimum wage

(But do students want teachers

Who are just their own age?)

Remedial classes

I’m sure is a must

For teachers who give

Only A or A-plus

They really must practice

At home, if they please,

Traumatically giving

Some Bs and some Cs

There’s another idea

I can bring to fruition

I know how to cut

The cost of tuition

I really don’t care

Whose waters this muddies,

This could irritate

The fuddies and duddies

But I’d cancel all courses

Whose names end in “studies.”

That’s just a start

I’ll do better than that

My curriculum changes

Will cut out the fat

No courses on Buffy

The Vampire Slayer

Or Batman and Robin

Who cares which is gayer?

No bongo or bingo

(Remember I said it)

No study of Yoda

No sex acts for credit

No Star Trek theology

No Matrix psychology

No queer musicology

I give no apology

If I ran the campus

I’d start out anew

I’d make a few changes

That’s just what I’d do

  • Share

Most Commented

May 18, 2023


Letter: In Defense of Professor Scott Gerber

The Ohio Northern University’s senior administrators have treated Professor Scott Gerber appallingly by removing him from campus without due cause—a clear abuse of......

May 9, 2023


More Title IX Mischief

The Biden Education Department's Office for Civil Rights proposes a new rule on athletic eligibility favoring sexual confusion over female athletes....

May 23, 2023


Academic Freedom Isn’t Free

If higher education cannot hold itself to its founding principles, then we must....

Most Read

April 7, 2023


Congress Asks Dept of Education to Enforce Foreign Gift Disclosure Laws

The National Association of Scholars strongly endorses the Representatives' work to open the books on higher education's concealed dealings with the foreign despots who see......

May 15, 2015


Where Did We Get the Idea That Only White People Can Be Racist?

A look at the double standard that has arisen regarding racism, illustrated recently by the reaction to a black professor's biased comments on Twitter....

April 14, 2023


Faculty Fight for Academic Freedom at Harvard

While many faculty quietly endorse views they privately disagree with, Harvard faculty band together to resist administrative overreach, overzealous students, and protect academic freedom....