If I Ran the Zoo IX

John Leo

If I ran the campus

I’d start out anew

I’d make a few changes

That’s just what I’d do

Here’s a simple suggestion

(Avoiding all fads)

I’d have some professors

Who teach undergrads

I hear you all snicker

I hear you all scoff

But I’ve got to believe

That many a prof

Would thrill to be meeting

A freshman or soph

TAs are beloved

They’re always the rage

Because they all work

For a minimum wage

(But do students want teachers

Who are just their own age?)

Remedial classes

I’m sure is a must

For teachers who give

Only A or A-plus

They really must practice

At home, if they please,

Traumatically giving

Some Bs and some Cs

There’s another idea

I can bring to fruition

I know how to cut

The cost of tuition

I really don’t care

Whose waters this muddies,

This could irritate

The fuddies and duddies

But I’d cancel all courses

Whose names end in “studies.”

That’s just a start

I’ll do better than that

My curriculum changes

Will cut out the fat

No courses on Buffy

The Vampire Slayer

Or Batman and Robin

Who cares which is gayer?

No bongo or bingo

(Remember I said it)

No study of Yoda

No sex acts for credit

No Star Trek theology

No Matrix psychology

No queer musicology

I give no apology

If I ran the campus

I’d start out anew

I’d make a few changes

That’s just what I’d do

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