If I Ran the Zoo VI

Sylvia Wasson

I also work in a zoo - and what a zoo it is! 

In the zoo in which I work, the animals look very diverse, but they all make the same sound. Those who can not or will not sound alike face punishment -- ranging from isolation ("you can't eat from the same trough anymore") and name-calling ("you are obviously not an elephant, but a creepy snake") to being thrown out of the zoo by the zookeeper ("I just don't like your kind of animal"). Since self-preservation is vital to endangered species, most animals try very hard to produce the required sound. Others have simply fallen silent.

If I ran the zoo, I'd encourage each animal to cultivate its own, unique sound. The more authentic the sound, the more praise I would lavish on the animal. The trough would be large enough to accommodate all the animals, no matter their size, shape, sound, or stripe. Attacking a zebra just because of its stripes would not be tolerated. I would not call it a hate crime though, only an inexcusable violation of my primary zoo code: the code of civility.

In the zoo in which I work, dark-skinned animals are preferred over light-skinned animals. Animals of the female gender and those exhibiting exotic sexual behaviors enjoy automatic privileges as well.

If I ran the zoo, I would be colorblind, and equality for all animals would be the rule of law.

In the zoo in which I work, the zookeeper (a.k.a. president) has been warned by a grand jury to stop cultivating his own "petting zoo" and to stop discriminating against animals on the basis of immutable characteristics. But so certain is he of the power over his politicized zoo that not even grand jurors can stop him from cracking the whip. The animals have become ever more obedient, the sounds they make more uniform.

If I ran the zoo, the zookeeper would have long been told to leave or else be locked in the lion cage.

This is all for today about "The Life in the Zoo in Which I Work." Although I have been expelled from the zoo before and have been targeted for extinction, I will continue to protest the zoo’s stifling monoculture in hopes of rousing the wrath of a largely clueless, zoo-supporting taxpaying public.

  • Share

Most Commented

January 24, 2024


After Claudine

The idea has caught on that the radical left overplayed its hand in DEI and is now vulnerable to those of us who seek major reforms. This is not, however, the first time that the a......

February 13, 2024


The Great Academic Divorce with China

All signs show that American education is beginning a long and painful divorce with the People’s Republic of China. But will academia go through with it?...

October 31, 2023


University of Washington Violated Non-Discrimination Policy, Internal Report Finds

A faculty hiring committee at the University of Washington “inappropriately considered candidates’ races when determining the order of offers,” provided “disparate op......

Most Read

May 15, 2015


Where Did We Get the Idea That Only White People Can Be Racist?

A look at the double standard that has arisen regarding racism, illustrated recently by the reaction to a black professor's biased comments on Twitter....

October 12, 2010


Ask a Scholar: What is the True Definition of Latino?

What does it mean to be Latino? Are only Latin American people Latino, or does the term apply to anyone whose language derived from Latin?...

September 21, 2010


Ask a Scholar: What Does YHWH Elohim Mean?

A reader asks, "If Elohim refers to multiple 'gods,' then Yhwh Elohim really means Lord of Gods...the one of many, right?" A Hebrew expert answers....